Oh - ugh.. this is one of those posts I’ve been really hesitant to write because I’m scared of being judged, but I really weighed the pros and cons - and in the end, DAAAAddy and I went with our gut (mainly “my” gut, as the big talk ended with “this is your call, sweetie - I’m leaving this one up to you.”). However, I had been thinking about this for a looooong time and the entire preschool issue was never my idea to begin with. Oh, I guess I failed to mention that’s what the actual post was about.

Soooo… since we moved here Nana has been talking about Faith starting preschool at the grade-school that is right in our neighborhood - but we didn’t know if there would be a spot available. We got on a waiting list and I just took a “wait and see” attitude. Well, Tom walks in the bathroom yesterday and says “The school called - they made room for Faith, but she’ll have to start tomorrow. It’s every day - Monday through Friday at 8:30 AM.”

WHAT?

Just typing that out gave me another panic attack. Do you mean to tell me that my baby can actually turn into a semi-grown, scheduled child who has to function on a rigorous, early-morning schedule five days a week OVERNIGHT??? How does this happen??? I’m not ready - I’m not ready, I tell you!!

Maybe I’m being a bit freakish, but there will come a time when she’ll have no choice but to get up every single day and be somewhere by 8AM “or else.” Do we have to start prematurely??

Would it be okay if we just did gymnastics and continued on with reading lessons? She’s doing really well - if she finishes on schedule, she’ll be reading at a Second Grade level within 5 weeks. And I know this is more about letting her socialize with other children - but I have to think there just *might* be at least one other child who didn’t come on-board until Kindergarten. I mean… COME ON. I can’t be the only parental freak in the parental flock.

I could tell Nana was disappointed… but we didn’t just make our decision based on my freaking. Who knows when we’ll be leaving here? And in addition to relocating cross-country.. there are a few relatives I’m not entirely comfortable with (freakazoids *cough*) who also have children enrolled up at that school. I don’t need anyone using school as an opportunity to visit Faith… or who knows what. The point being we wouldn’t be up there to watch the whole time and that made us slightly uneasy. The best solution just seemed to keep Faith a baby forever. Problem solved.

Gymnastics starts on Thursday.

Every since we ran the tiny baby squirrel nursery - I kid you not, it’s like the animals have spread word that we’re the “safe house” on the park. It started last weekend - I was looking out the back window.. and you know when you see those flocks of birds (I think they’re Grackles) that really freak people out, because sometimes they’ll swarm and cover entire buildings and neighborhoods until it’s like a scene right of of, well.. “The Birds?” That’s what our backyard looked like - except they weren’t Grackles. The yard was filled with every type of bird that frequents our feeder - and then some! It was straight out of a Disney movie. I saw Cardinals, Blue Jays, Robin Red Breasts, Mockingbirds, Scissortail Flycatchers - there was even a tiny Hummingbird darting around!! I called Faith over to look, who in turn called DAAAddy.

I started to open the back door, then I peeked out and noticed the squirrels. I counted them - there were visibly eight crawling down the trees. It kind of freaked me out. They were all making these noises - calling to each other and then answering back. I turned to Tom and asked him if squirrels were able to work together to plan an attack. I’m not going to type out the smart-ass response I got, but I was being serious. While I was thinking the other animals had located a new Snow White - something told me the squirrels most likely watched me through our kitchen window for nearly a week as I held their baby captive… and they wanted revenge.

I mean - come on.. why else do eight squirrels descend, while communicating back and forth? They were whipping their tails and acting very conspiratorial. I’m guessing you probably had to be there.

So we watch all the birds, the attack posse of squirrels and the lone bun bun (who HAD to be the same one I dramatically saved from Simon the cat last week in an incident that deserves a blog post all its own.. I’m sure I made a complete ass of myself in the park for all to see) and a thought strikes me: I should probably go get my camera or nobody is going to believe this story. So I rush upstairs where it is hooked to the computer and then run back downstairs, only to burst out the back door. Do you know what happens when you “burst” around small animals? Well, let me tell you - they don’t much care for “bursting.” The backyard was empty in less than 2 seconds flat.

*click*

Oh whatever. Nate believes me - he knows I’m not crazy.

Soooo… Faith and I started a mission to bring all our animal friends back. I still haven’t figured out what brought them here to begin with *en masse,* but we’ve slowly convinced them they made the right choice in the first place.

*****

I’ve been wanting to write something about a new book we bought because (I think) it’s super cool. However, while Faith and I were acting as diplomatic liasons between our home and the woodland creatures - we found a completely different use for it.. and I figured this was just the perfect post to share! I don’t really do product reviews (I get asked to all the time) but I do like to write about stuff I truly LOVE - especially if I think you all might enjoy it too.

Faith and I found this book that is like the “play-a-sounds” she likes so much - but it isn’t just a children’s book.. it’s for both of us. It has all the birds in North America. You read about the bird, and then the “play-a-sound” part is an actual recording of each bird’s song from the “Cornell Lab of Ornithology.” We decided we could order the book and learn what all the birds sound like so we would know when they were around!! We’ve had the BEST time playing with it! It’s called Bird Songs: 250 North American Birds in Song.

When the birds all flew away the other day, we took it outside and started using it to call them. It actually worked!!! First, the female Cardinal came over the check things out. Then the male Cardinal came over to see what in the world she was doing. Then he went crazy trying to figure out where another male Cardinal was… then the two of them flew off - and you could hear them “chip chip chipping” clear on the other side of the house! Faith and I giggled, because we knew we were the imaginary boyfriend. We laughed even harder when the female came back - then he came back, chased her off - and then started trying to dive bomb the book.

All of this was (literally) brought to a screeching halt when Faith - totally unbeknownst to me - switched to the hawk page and hit the button to play “SKREEEEEEEEEE.” I told her we probably don’t want to be blasting birds of prey in the backyard if we want our feathered friends to stick around.

Now if we could just keep the darned squirrels off the bird feeder. They aren’t even scared of me anymore. I think maybe the opposite is true. I know they’re up to no good.

Surprise? Or tiny tunes?

peekeye (and all these squirrels are different - notice the chunk out of the ear.. DAAAAddy calls him “Notch”). **I am also using this as my entry for Bridge’s photo contest on See Hear Speak No Evil this week.  If she doesn’t pick me, I’m sending the squirrels after her.

this is a mocking mockingbird - he’s pretending to be a mocking bird.. or something like that. whatever - he’s fully in the cute equation with the position of his feet and the tiny head cocked to the side.

I call this one “Kanga.” I think it’s the Mommy squirrel.. and she always seems to have food on her nose.

My rival - Mr. Jealous Jones.

Attack!!!

Laughing Dog, Cwazy Mommy.

I was going to literally stop the presses for a family (I’m not sure what to call it at this point??) “heartbreak?” And for the love of everything good - PLEASE… don’t anyone read the blog to Grandma.. but as of yesterday we pretty much thought she was going to die. Today? I have no idea! Even the nurse was laughing, because she said her reports noted that Grandma was completely lacking response time and they had her on life support - but this morning, she had to yank out Grandma’s feeding tube because she was scarfing down food (via mouth) as fast as she could.

I haven’t been blogging about all this - but it’s been going on way back since the “Super Bug” scare.. which turned out to be C-Dif. That has been a freaking nightmare - because Grandma just hasn’t understood that we can’t all just hang out around her non-stop and chance getting something that pretty much gives you diarrhea until you die. I’ve been a nervous wreck because (this is no secret) I’m a germaphobe - and when I hear people are up there without masks and gowns I just FLIP. I instantly go into worst-case scenario and Faith is no longer allowed to share popsicles with Poppy (or anyone else.. “Popsicles with Poppy” just sounds good - plus, he’s the only person who actively tries to pursue the sharing of popsicles).

Anyway, so we get a phone call - Grandma’s lungs are filling with fluid.. it’s the end. Everyone rushes to the hospital to say their last goodbyes. My uncle even makes plans with the cemetary “do you have the death certificate?” Um… not yet - but we will?

Well, cancel all that - as of this afternoon, I was setting Grandma up to watch MSNBC so she could get the latest fix on politics.

Honestly - she was not “all there” and I’m not going to get into it, but at least she was up so I could talk to her. The thing is, she was completely battered and bruised from all the dialysis, shots, tests and everything else. Even if they take her off life support in ICU I think they’re probably going to have to put her on what equals life support to keep her going. She hasn’t spent more than a day in any one place - she’s been back to the ER almost every 24 hours for months. And the C-Dif virus is EXTREMELY painful. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the topic (pretty much obsessing over it to see if there was any one cleaner that could successfully “spray” it away… according to the CDC there is nothing approved that will kill the spores. Have I also mentioned that “spores” are on my top 10 list of phobias? I know - I’ve already been told that makes me a freak) and the thing that keeps coming up over and over is how much having the C-Dif virus hurts. :(

We were supposed to have Grandma’s 90th birthday party in a few weeks. When I saw her today I re-emphasized that we would still all get together as soon as she gets better. Faith asked me if you got better when you were Grandma’s age and you were that sick? Did you ever really get completely better like she used to be?

I’m not sure what to tell her.. because - for one thing I have no idea what “used to be” is inside her 4-year-old mind - she could be remembering spunky, walking Grandma - or just “walker Grandma”. Either way - at this point Grandma has proved us all wrong. She’s got the spirit and fight of an alley cat - and maybe she can keep this up for another decade (it might kill Poppy in the process, as he’s been rushing over there to fill adult diaper and toilet paper requests at the speed of sound… I nearly split my side when he told Nana he was going to die if the people at the grocery store saw him buying those items one more time in the same week) or maybe this is just life.

And I know this is just life. But this is one of those parts of life I just don’t like at all. It seems like there are a lot of those lately - I’m going to make more of an effort to find the positives starting Monday.

I just want what is best for Grandma - whatever that is.

I sure do miss Grandpa - I wish he had been alive for me to post about him on the blog. He was a great man. They were really happy together - it’s been a long time since I even thought of that. Maybe I’ll go talk to Grandma and get some stories about him to put on here for “future Faith.”

Well, tomorrow is another day and lately.. (honest to goodness) I never know what’s going to happen - so I better get to bed!

Night.

Tattle tale of a whole lot o’ nothing, echo (echo.. echo… echo..), the little voice ringing in my ear - the little voice that gets me in trouble… the little voice constantly questioning anything and everything.. Faith is definitely in THE stage I’ve been anticipating for quite some time now. She’s in the “asking/repeating/reporting” phase - and I’m not sure if it’s making me crazy or fully keeping me entertained. I do know this: every few days she drops a bombshell and I want to crawl in a cave.

I’ve known for awhile that I have to watch what I say - and it’s not like I’m saying terrible things (okay, like .00001% of the time I’ll slip and say something fairly *not nice* and I’m appropriately ashamed), but trust me - she repeats EVERYTHING… and I get stone-cold BUSTED.

It started back in D.C. when I muttered aloud “sheesh, it drives me insane when DAAAAddy hits snooze like 40 times!!” (and I did count one morning - he was using his Blackberry as an alarm clock… that thing only has like a 2 minute snooze. So whereas a normal person would hit the button every 10 minutes - we were hearing it 5 extra times). That night we were running errands and everyone was tired, hungry and extremely cranky. Faith chimes in from the backseat: “you know - Daddy.. Mommy also hates it when you hit snooze 40 times in the morning.. I just thought you might want to know.”

yay.

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I’ve been so caught up in our current art projects I haven’t made it to the computer. I’m not complaining.. at ALL. Faith and I have been painting - and I’ve actually started making my own ceramics by hand because I couldn’t find what I needed in terms of “tiny things” to bake onto my teacups and saucers. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for to take a picture and post my art on here? There’s some uncertain number of items I want to have completed before I re-open my Etsy Store. Just watch, something insane will happen and everything will shatter the day before I get ready to open.

We watched the Olympics tonight, because I just love gymnastics. What in the HELL is going on with the judging?? I’m starting to think there is some strange conspiracy - and the only human aware besides me (and of course DAAAAddy and Faith) is Bella Carolli. I mean - hello?? Chinese girl can land on her freaking knees and still beat a near perfect routine? I don’t think so. If the globe is trying to tell us something - they need to do it outside of beating down the dreams of young athletes who have worked their bottoms off to compete fair and square. I hate cheating. I hate cheaters. I may never eat a fortune cookie again.

Anyway, I was going to write a post about our backyard being attacked (or enchanted) by nearly one hundred little forest critters. It was quite delightful - Faith and I had fun sitting in the back messing with the lives of little birds with various bird calls. It’s a long story - and there are pictures. And I’m too tired to upload.. and Faith is putting little plastic horses in my face and giving me some wild story about missing pants.. so my time here is through.

I’ve heard whispers of “Holli just HAS to take that post down - it’s going to destroy your/our family. That’s all there is to it - have her remove the post.”

This is where the title above comes in…

um… no.

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“..and sometimes you live in a world where tiny baby squirrels just fall from the sky.”

  ~ Faith

It has been a crazy summer - with squirrels falling from the sky, children talking to trees, children *not* talking to parents - heck, even poor Grandma has started checking herself out of the nursing home… to be rushed to the hospital, so she can go back to a different nursing home - only to check out and go to a third retirement facility (or whatever they are calling those places now!)… nobody can even remember where she lives anymore!!  Including Grandma!! 

Things have been so looney tunes, I’m ready for blood to come out of my faucets at any moment… and I’m not kidding.

With all the crazy, I haven’t spent as much time as I should focusing on the positive - and sorting out the difference between things that I *wish* were different, and things I just plain can’t fix.

Tiny Baby Squirrel is the perfect example - I so wanted to help her.. I wanted to love and take care of her forever and ever.  I wanted to fix everything and make it perfect, but I couldn’t because I’m not “squirrel rehabilitation” qualified.  So I did the very best I could with what I had - and then we got her to where she needed to be.

After researching, squirrels do NOT make good pets. It’s never a good idea to nurture and raise, only to free them in your backyard. An encounter with a neighbor (or a neighbor’s dog - EEK!!)  and a squirrel who may run right up their leg could turn directly into a disaster.  That would be bad news bears for squirrels.  I did my best to help Tiny Baby Squirrel, but I couldn’t kill myself trying to fix a problem that I couldn’t fix.  There are some things I just have to turn over to God (or Tiny Baby Squirrel rehabilitators - whichever seems more appropriate at the time) and let the chips fall where they may.

It’s the same thing as Poppy not being able to fix the Grandma situation 100%. You can’t make people “grow young,” as wonderful and wooly as that may sound… You do the best you can with what you have - then you must find some way to let go of the guilt.  If I could just let go of 5% of the guilt I impose in my day to day life - I would be so much healthier in the “mental” department.

There are so many problems out of my control right now - it’s like a spinning ball that’s taken on a life of its own.  I could stand and stare at it, worrying and waiting for it to explode.  I could let it consume me - and I’m not saying I haven’t done that.  But I’m going to try from this point forward to find some sort of balance and put my energy into the people and projects that need me, or at least will reward me with some positive outcome.

I realized the other day that Faith may or may not be starting pre-school this year.  It depends on whether or not she makes it up the waiting list here, as we weren’t completely sure we would be around when school started.  I started thinking about all the time I spend writing blog posts, twittering, checking emails, doing photography - and how little time I have left with just the two of us being here.. and I literally freaked.  Where did it all go?  I know people are always saying “you blink and it’s gone.”  They weren’t lying - I blinked.. and it’s literally almost gone.

I also kind of hid the fact that I had another personal disappointment at BlogHer (that I don’t really want to get into), but I came back hurt - and I’m only just now starting to get over it.  I thought this year with the person in question would be different than last.. but it wasn’t.  It really made me stop and take stock in my true friends.  I learned this all the way back in highschool, but apparently I’m still succeptible to fooling myself - the lesson being “friends are your friends *always.*  Not just when you’re the only person in close proximity or when it’s convenient.. They don’t ditch you the second someone more interesting or exciting comes around.

It may not make sense to throw that in the middle of this - but to me, it does.  Because what is really important in my life is not the act of blogging, or hooking up with as many bloggers as possible (although I cherish the real friends I’ve made) to get more readers for your blog (obviously not something I did since I forgot to hand out blog cards the first year I actually had them)… What’s important is entire reason this blog exists - and that would be Faith.  I realize I am never going to be world famous (I never thought that to begin with), but there was a point in time where I was getting swept up in the time-consuming issues… and I’ve started winding those down (probably to the detriment of my blog - but that’s… okay).

I won my first ever Perfect Post award from Jodifur just for one line from an old post - she liked the part where I said “Mommy comes before blogger… always.”  It’s funny how much it took for me to come back to the one conclusion I knew from the very beginning.  I do want to be here, but I want to be “here” in the world too.

I need to work on the behind-the-scenes to have a good foundation.  I’m not going anywhere - I’m just letting go a little bit.  And that doesn’t mean I won’t be writing, I’m just going to post as I can.  Who knows when the next squirrel may fall out of the sky. 

In the meantime, I’ve been pouring all of my energy into my art.  I’ve finished a few pieces and they don’t look anything like the things I’ve done in the past.  I’m really proud of what I’ve been creating.. I would say it’s all so unlike me, but I guess that’s just perspective - and mine has changed.  For all the bad, there is still an awful lot of good - and so so much beauty.  If I can add just a little bit more - maybe that’s a start.

The very last day we let Faith feed Tiny Baby Squirrel.

I won’t spoil this picture by telling what Tiny Baby Squirrel did in her hands.

Which is why you can see Faith in the background at the sink. DAAAAddy was so sweet with Tiny Baby Squirrel.. if TBS is any indication - DAAAAddy is very good with newborn babies. I guess all babies are newly born. Still…

And so is Faith, she still wanted to hold Tiny Baby Squirrel again - she just wanted to say goodbye. Thanks Tiny Baby Squirrel - for dropping out of the sky and into our lives. You were more than just an analogy and a bunch of sleepless nights to us, you were a broken dream of me ever owning a squirrel for a pet - and a really wonderful experience for our entire family. I doubt we’ll ever see you again, but we sent you out into the world with a whole lot of love.

xo,
Mommy

I started this post two days ago and I’m just now finishing it - it’s probably been the most disappointing thing I’ve ever had to write.  I haven’t wanted to face the truth, or at least I hoped things might change.  I look through my archives and it’s no wonder that I feel so confused about everything, because my entire world is different.  I started this blog more than four years ago with a family I wouldn’t recognize if you put a video of their cheesy reality game show parties in front of my face.  Those people don’t exist anymore - they are nothing more than words typed on blog, and I’m barely aware of my own presence here right now.  I just feel like I need to hang on to this invisible connection I have to the ghosts of my past.

This post is probably going to truly upset some people, but there are posts I’ve written along the way that have done that and I only do it to add the truth.  I don’t think Faith should be reading this blog years from now and wonder where things went off track - or why things turned out a certain way… and despite a whole faction’s belief that just pretending dysfunction, stealing, embezzlement, sin, addiction - and all that other good stuff - doesn’t exist… it does.  You have to actually accept the problem to cure/help/nurture/get to the root of/learn from/make sure it NEVER happens again.

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I’m old.

Despite my wishes to see Tiny Baby Squirrel (now renamed “SquirrelaBella” ala Faith) open her wee eyes - I honestly think we may have to find the nearest TBS rehab facility pronto… I am literally out of my mind. I can’t remember far back enough - did Faith require feedings every 1.5 to 2 hours? Because that is like.. not very much time between feedings to sleep. And it’s not like I can put a tiny rodent in - or near my bed. (I guess technically I could - but the last time I did that it resulted it multiple deaths… THANK THE LORD!!!)

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I’m up writing a post write now because I’m taking my shift with TBS - our new nickname for the temporary child which literally fell from the sky this evening.  There is a small family division as to what we should do with TBS (short for Tiny Baby Squirrel - although Faith decided at bedtime she wanted to change that to “Princess Pea,” I can’t stop calling Tiny Baby Squirrel “Tiny Baby Squirrel”). 

After a bit of research, I’m all for rehabilitating Tiny Baby Squirrel.  I think it would be a wonderful learning experience for Faith - and Tiny Baby Squirrel could be released to her true family, right in our own back park.  Or, you know - if my fantasy of having my own pet squirrel just happened to come true (because that pretty much was the pet I always dreamed of, next to a koala bear - and I can’t see one of those landing on our porch) I wouldn’t cry over freak fantasties freak coming true.  After all - DAAAAddy brought Tiny Baby Squirrel to me… not the other way around.  Right?

Sooooo.. we have learned that Tiny Baby Squirrel requires a transition of pedialyte to formula, with feedings every two hours (which was different in the beginning - we got this right, just in case any crazed squirrel rehabilitators are out there watching and waiting for “at home” squirrel rescuers to mess up or something.  And Tiny Baby Squirrel is going to require a heating pad that doesn’t have automatic switch-off, because I’m getting exhausted - going down to turn that thing back on… I mean that’s a great invention and all so people don’t burn their houses to the ground - but Tiny Baby Squirrels need to stay warm.

I went down to give Tiny Baby Squirrel her 3am feeding and I couldn’t decide if  Tiny Baby Squirrel was squirming up to the top because she wanted to take more formula from the dropper or not - she wouldn’t take more.  She’s been doing this thing where she nurses so hard the liquid comes out her nose (apparently this is very common for tiny baby squirrels - but it’s also dangerous because the fluid can get in their lungs).  I kept bundling her up, but she would move to the top - so I would try to feed her and she just wasn’t interested. 

I haven’t been petting her much, because to be honest - she’s all hairless and kind of looks like a mouse.  But I realized right then that she was just a tiny, lost baby - and all alone in this great, wide world.  She didn’t want food - what she wanted was comfort (and not the dancer that went on and on and on forever on SYTYCD.. UH) she wanted her Mommy.  And hey, I’m a Mommy - wight?

wight.

I pet her little head and tucked her back into the old t-shirt - turned on the heating pad one more time.. and wondered why a Tiny Baby Squirrel fell out of the sky onto my porch.  I thought there *might* be a chance DAAAAddy and I would be up for nighttime feedings in shifts - but I never knew it would be for a Tiny Baby Squirrel.  Still, who am I to turn away a baby at my doorstep.

I’ll worry about arguing to keep this one tomorrow.  It’s 5AM and my real baby hasn’t been getting up, so she’ll be waking me up tomorrow bright and early to check on Tiny Baby Squirrel.. or Princess Pea.  Or whatever Faith has decided to call her by then - still, she’s in our world and she has a name.  Even if it’s technically just a description.

Okay, I know this picture is going to freak probably 80% of the people out who see it - but it’s downstairs in our kitchen.. so if you can’t deal with nature… I don’t know what to tell you.  Faith would say “it’s just a helpless Tiny Baby Squirrel and she needed a Mommy.” 

Her eyes aren’t even open - but she is… a Tiny Baby Squirrel.